Beauty from ashes

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a] 2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. – Isaiah 61: 1-3

Month: February, 2013

A love that’s been lost and trying to find my way back…

Its 2:38am and I can’t sleep. I’m not totally sure why, but at the moment, I’m downloading Homeland and I have to get up early tomorrow morning and it’ll be a busy day, so hopefully I’ll be able to sleep a bit after writing this.

On Thursday, I was looking for a specific picture while rummaging through old ones. While I found the one I was looking for, I couldn’t help but pause and take a few seconds to look through the others. And, man, how time has passed. How much older they look. How much older D looked. Ironic, since I was looking for a picture of M. I mean, I’ve seen M’s pictures though before, and I guess I never really looked at D’s. Never really paid attention to it I suppose. Looking at the pictures made me sad and guilty. Because I should love D more. Because I should be better, because I can be better, but I know I haven’t been. And I know there will come a time where I will regret this, even if I start right this minute, I’ll have a part of me wishing I did better. But even knowing this, I’m not doing it.

And I say to myself righteously that its justified. That I have a right to be angry, hate and love less. Because I start remembering everything else. All the good and the bad. That’s why it hurts even more, because there was that time of “good”, if you can call it that. There was a time where I had to lean completely on D and trust D, because I was just too young to do anything for myself. Where every word and everything D did, I saw and listened with curiosity and respectfulness. I was in awe and proud that he was D. Then came the betrayal. However, I resisted believing it for the longest time. Even when it was blatantly staring back at me figuratively (and hilariously (not), literally). Even when I found out, D charmed his way out of it, and said things that made me believe him. Maybe I so wanted to believe him. I think I still do, I still want to believe him. But it isn’t the truth.

I trusted D as anyone would have, with everything they got. So when the betrayal came, the hurt was just that much more. Even looking back, D did horrible things before this, but even then, I still had my trust in D, even if I hated the things he did. Now, I have to try to not not like him. And every “nice” thing that is done, I am suspicious there is something behind it, an ulterior motive that is selfish. Even when D says something like, “Oh I havent talked to her inawhile” or “Ive forgotten her voice or that she existed” insinuating that I am missed, I can’t help but think how that is possible. How is not a single bone in your body have any sincerity and niceness to it? I scoff at the idea. It’s quite sad what has become of this. How the bricks have fallen.

I pray for healing. For all of us. Healing of our hearts and minds. Prayer that D’s heart will be changed, that my heart will be changed. That I will try to open up and maybe one day, he will too. He will stop the lying, and start telling the truth for once in his life. That he will find God, as a savior, redeemer and himself as a sinner. Lord, please help me to love someone that is truly hard to love. The hardest of them all.

What Is Love?

Valentine’s Day

I meant to post this last week, but just never got around to doing it. Lately, I’ve been feeling just very tired and I have been sleeping and taking naps more.

Anyways, last week, I surprised the people I love/care for with little gifts on valentine’s day. Although valentine’s day is a little silly (you shouldn’t just show love on one day, but everyday!), I still wanted to show appreciation to the sisters in my life and give back a little of it to them so I did what I do best..make things! Made a 3D pixelated heart card, peppermint white chocolate pretzels, and gave them each one a rose.

For me, it’s really joyous to give a gift and I really love seeing people’s responses. Thus, I love surprising people and such, haha. I put the gifts on the 2nd floor, so there will be an element of surprise when I lead the girls to them. So, I found 4 of the girls on the 1st floor, so I took them up and surprised them, and we hugged and it was good :]. Then the 5th one was lost and didn’t know where we went, she was in the original place. When we all came down, I told them to hide their gifts so that it isn’t ruined for her. I think all of them had this weird expression on their faces- trying not to smile and laugh and keeping a straight face. The 5th girl took this as a bad thing, that they were actually sad, but trying to keep a smiling face. Interesting how things can be viewed so differently. One of the other sisters told her to go up with me, and so she started to, but she felt very scared (1. because of the weird expressions and 2. because she didnt know what was coming 3. she was going up alone), so she actually went back down and said she didn’t want to go. In my mind, I thought it was hilarious, because in the end, the result will be happiness/joy, so I was thinking, she has nothing to be afraid of. Reluctantly, she did come up with me, with waryness/nervousness/fear. She even said she felt like she was walking to her death. In the end, she was surprised and she felt bad on what she thought. haha, it was an overall funny experience for me since I knew what was at the end of it all.

After thinking about it, the way she acted is how we act with God. He’s leading us, ultimately to something good. But during the journey, we run away/hesistate/go back to our comfort zone, because for some reason or another we feel very scared/helpless/nervous about what lies ahead of us. Since we don’t know what may be in the future, instead of holding God’s hand and having him lead the way, we lose sight that He is there, and instead focus on the fears that are instilled upon us during that time. We lose sight that there will be goodness and greatness waiting for us.

I think this just reminded me how I act with God and how I can be so unsure of the future, so I run away and sometimes, I want to be lost. So that God doesn’t see me, but the thing is, He does. He sees and knows everything about me, a scary but a very good thing.

Before a butter…

Before a butterfly can emerge out of it’s chrysalis it has to go through a lot of struggling. Yes, struggling. Each time it lunges out to escape, acids are being removed from its wings. If someone were to come along and break the chrysalis open for it then the butterfly would die from those acids. In essence the struggle is necessary for the butterfly to survive. Then in the stillness, when the struggle is over, the butterfly can come out and share its beauty with the world.

You Never Marry the Right Person

You Never Marry the Right Person

Thanking God for a Courageous Missionary

Thanking God for a Courageous Missionary

Marc5Solas

Screen Shot 2013-02-08 at 9.03.31 AM

We all know them, the kids who were raised in church. They were stars of the youth group. They maybe even sang in the praise band or led worship. And then… they graduate from High School and they leave church. What happened?

It seems to happen so often that I wanted to do some digging; To talk to these kids and get some honest answers. I work in a major college town with a large number of 20-somethings. Nearly all of them were raised in very typical evangelical churches. Nearly all of them have left the church with no intention of returning. I spend a lot of time with them and it takes very little to get them to vent, and I’m happy to listen. So, after lots of hours spent in coffee shops and after buying a few lunches, here are the most common thoughts taken from dozens of…

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Dare to Be Immoral

Dare to Be Immoral

Goodness

Goodness, everytime I have these late night postings, I have so many things I want to write about…maybe I should try to write my thoughts more so it won’t be an explosion of thoughts. I would like to write them all down right now, but think its too late, so I’ll bullet some points to write about later:

-Thankful for sisters in my life

-Guilt- class and my heart strings- my own guilt for s, blaming myself, putting it on public showcase

-Thankful for the classes at Westmin

-Thankful to have shared tonight.

-Not very accepting of praise/compliments

-Continually remind myself that to love others that don’t love you back shows you Christ’s love for you. How we’re called to love our enemies. That what we do to God is worse than what we do to our enemies. We murder God daily in our thoughts/actions/words.

-Thankful for my friends to reel me back

-Thankful for my struggles

-Thankful for prayers

-Thankful for God’s strange ways of working in my heart. For showing me how everything is connected. My struggles from the past and my struggles now. And how God is slowly breaking away at me. Even months ago, I was different (not too different), but still different in thoughts and such. How each struggle is a gift itself in some ways. Remind myself to allow God to work in us