Its 2:38am and I can’t sleep. I’m not totally sure why, but at the moment, I’m downloading Homeland and I have to get up early tomorrow morning and it’ll be a busy day, so hopefully I’ll be able to sleep a bit after writing this.
On Thursday, I was looking for a specific picture while rummaging through old ones. While I found the one I was looking for, I couldn’t help but pause and take a few seconds to look through the others. And, man, how time has passed. How much older they look. How much older D looked. Ironic, since I was looking for a picture of M. I mean, I’ve seen M’s pictures though before, and I guess I never really looked at D’s. Never really paid attention to it I suppose. Looking at the pictures made me sad and guilty. Because I should love D more. Because I should be better, because I can be better, but I know I haven’t been. And I know there will come a time where I will regret this, even if I start right this minute, I’ll have a part of me wishing I did better. But even knowing this, I’m not doing it.
And I say to myself righteously that its justified. That I have a right to be angry, hate and love less. Because I start remembering everything else. All the good and the bad. That’s why it hurts even more, because there was that time of “good”, if you can call it that. There was a time where I had to lean completely on D and trust D, because I was just too young to do anything for myself. Where every word and everything D did, I saw and listened with curiosity and respectfulness. I was in awe and proud that he was D. Then came the betrayal. However, I resisted believing it for the longest time. Even when it was blatantly staring back at me figuratively (and hilariously (not), literally). Even when I found out, D charmed his way out of it, and said things that made me believe him. Maybe I so wanted to believe him. I think I still do, I still want to believe him. But it isn’t the truth.
I trusted D as anyone would have, with everything they got. So when the betrayal came, the hurt was just that much more. Even looking back, D did horrible things before this, but even then, I still had my trust in D, even if I hated the things he did. Now, I have to try to not not like him. And every “nice” thing that is done, I am suspicious there is something behind it, an ulterior motive that is selfish. Even when D says something like, “Oh I havent talked to her inawhile” or “Ive forgotten her voice or that she existed” insinuating that I am missed, I can’t help but think how that is possible. How is not a single bone in your body have any sincerity and niceness to it? I scoff at the idea. It’s quite sad what has become of this. How the bricks have fallen.
I pray for healing. For all of us. Healing of our hearts and minds. Prayer that D’s heart will be changed, that my heart will be changed. That I will try to open up and maybe one day, he will too. He will stop the lying, and start telling the truth for once in his life. That he will find God, as a savior, redeemer and himself as a sinner. Lord, please help me to love someone that is truly hard to love. The hardest of them all.