Happiness is determined by…?

by eternalized

Haha another post. Usually I’m thinking of a bunch of things, so when one thing gets hashed out, another one pops up to take its place. 

So I have exactly one week left before I make my decision. This past weekend was actually nice because I wasn’t going crazy/analyzing/overthinking and was able to relax (my mind at least) in regards to school.  

But it is something I can’t put aside for forever, since I do only have a week left. 

One thing that has been on my mind about this is about happiness. My own happiness and my parent’s happiness. 

I guess this might sound silly, since my own happiness should be first and foremost since this is MY life, and in the end, I’ll be the one dealing with my choices, not my parents. 

But my own happiness does stem from my parent’s happiness as well. At the moment, this is how I feel. I feel that I might be happier at Umich. The chances seem pretty high, but at the same time, I’m not sure, it could be true, it could not be. There is a part of me that does feel like I’ll be unhappy at Penn, but that’s also in the realm of “I don’t know”. Honestly, I’ll still be “happy” wherever I go, just the level of happiness might be higher at one place over another. 

But then for my parents, I know they will be happier for sure if I go to Penn over Umich, for various of reasons, some a bit silly. 

But in the end, I want to make my parents happy, which I think in turn will make me happy. I think there has been a part of me that felt like I have disappointed my parents. So this could be a selfish motive in my part to feel like I’ve finally given them something to be proud of me for. Haha, this makes it seem like my parents are never proud of me, they are. They’re supportive and encouraging, but sometimes I think its to make me feel better and maybe even themselves. But to see them truly happy (when it comes to me), I think that’s still something I haven’t seen yet. I don’t blame my parents for that, maybe blame myself for that. For lacking in so much. But if I were to sacrifice just a little (not even that much) to see them be happier? I think its worth it. 

But I think this is where it gets a little tricky. Let’s say I am very unhappy at Penn for some reason. Then I think the blame will be on my parents. I think I’ll start to resent them and blame them for all the unhappiness I am feeling. I actually had a bad dream about this, where I was crying and blaming them for this very exact reason. My dreams mean nothing, but I think that is definitely one fear that is on my heart. That if I choose Penn (even if it wasn’t for them or for their happiness), a little part of me will blame them if I don’t like it. 

So this decision is just something so hard to determine….