the past

by eternalized

The past continually haunts, at least for me. Specifically my college past.

I was stupid, immature, and naive. Heck, I’m still those at the moment, but I would hope that I am a bit more mature, smarter, and less naive then back then. So I’ve done stupid things, and things that I regret, but the past is the past and that’s just the way it is. But the past doesn’t necessarily stay there though, right?

We all judge from the things we’ve already done. It makes sense. I do it too. “Remember when she did…..? Wasn’t that the girl that used to….?” It’s a double standard. To be on the receiving end of it is frustrating. I’m not that person anymore, at least not to that extent. If I could go back and change things, sure, I would. But what’s done is done. I would like to go back and apologize, but a part of me feels like I’ve let time slip away too much for me to go back now. Also fear of man, how that person will react when I do apologize. Will they laugh it off? or take me seriously and genuinely? Will they just shrug it off since all they remember is the college me?

It’s so hard to leave that part behind. When I think that it’s behind once and for all. Something pops up…could be big or little. And then I get frustrated again. Frustrated at myself at the way I acted/spoke back in college and then frustrated at those people that keep my past alive, for them to either believe what they’ve heard and make quick judgements  and for those that have seen, and think that’s all there is to it.

Maybe this is a struggle for me to let me see how my own quick judgments I make on others can be hurtful and frustrating, whether they’re good or not. For me to look at the plank in my own eye and to reevaluate how I look at others, how I judge others, and think that’s all there is to a person- their first impressions or outer appearances. But the inner conscience of everyone has so much more. There’s happiness, hurt, sadness, struggles, joy, love, kindness and so much more. That to every human being, there’s more to them than meets the eye (cliche I know, haha). But my own views of them stops me from getting to know another sister/brother because I feel like we’re too “different” or that I won’t get along with them. But who really knows that from just impressions?

Instead of getting frustrated/angry at myself or others, my own outlook on others needs to change. First impressions usually don’t live up to what they were in the first place, so why let them control on whether I want to get to know them or not? Obviously this is easier said than done. It will be a struggle that will probably be with me for most of my life, but I hope that every time this happens, I will be less judgemental / less selfish in my motives with the help of prayer and through the love that Christ has shown me.

I think of the scenario if Christ was living among us now. If I didn’t know Christ, would my first impressions that I currently act upon, have me push Christ away from me if I were to see him today?  Would I see Christ in rags and hear him preaching about a savior, would I scoff and brush him off? Making my own ridiculous judgements upon Him? I would hope not, but in that situation, it scares me to think that my own actions could lead to unseen consequences.