Was told that I will be going to NY today a couple days ago to help D with pick up stuff he bought. Basically be a translator.
Woke up begrudgingly and tired this morning at 6am. Not early, but slept late and had a tiring Sunday. Trip started out fine, with D asking about some things. Noticed I was answering him with a tone. I prayed then that I wouldn’t do that. Honestly, it has become so natural and a part of me, that it just comes out. I pray right now too that I will continually watch how I say things and say them out of love. I think about the sad things where I used to follow him everywhere and how I used to look up to him so much, and now, how the pieces have fallen. How far we are. I know that, that happens with age and such, but it I suppose I remember that time as a happier time, and I refer now to a “dark” time.
Although I thought of this as just a duty/chore, I was reminded that even though my dad is so task-oriented, this is how he spends time with me. Father-daughter time. Even though we weren’t talking much, but even just being there was a sign of affection, just doing things with/for him, meant something. I agree. I also was thinking, there won’t be more times like this in the future. School, but not just that, but also he’s getting older. So us driving to get something would be minimal (not that there has been many times in the past).
I guess this is one of the few recent times, I felt some sort of loving emotion towards him. I felt like there weren’t many times that I just pray for him, so I prayed that he will find Christ during one of the times where we just were listening to our own music. Even though we weren’t talking or anything, I could tell that indeed I am loved.
I also just noticed how much he has aged. And M too. I guess I’ve either blinded myself to it, or just haven’t been observing, but they’ve both aged so much I feel like. D with his thinning hair that seems to be less and less..when it used to be use thick and full of hair….seems to be in such a sad state right now. And M, just the wrinkles on her face and how her face just seems older in general. Maybe its me finally noticing what I’ve failed to notice before.
I was wondering yesterday when I’ve become so blinded to everything. I used to be so observant, could tell the slightest differences. But now, I’m so oblivious and careless about the people around me. Sort of saddening, because all these things, subtle and major, have been happening, but I feel like I’ve blocked them out, been immune to them. Maybe its because of things that happened in the past, maybe I just grew out of being so observant. Whatever it may be, I hope that I continue to observe what is in front of me. Because I feel like one day, everything will pass me by and I won’t know what has become of what has happened.