by eternalized

Time and time again, I find myself asking, “Why is it so hard for me to forgive?”

What’s so hard about saying those two words,

I’m sorry

and meaning it.

It’s seems it is all but a simple action, but we all know too well that it is a complex notion that buries deep within one self. It’s obviously more than just two words put together to complete a phrase. What’s behind them? What do I feel like I am losing by saying it? Do I think I’m “losing” and that there is actually someone who is “right” and someone who is “wrong”? Does my pride get in the way of this, blinding me when I should be stepping down. And instead I puff myself up even more as if I am in a fierce battle.

My once innocent child-like notion to trust others easily has been tainted and corrupted. I don’t trust easily, even is a struggle to completely trust in God. And not just that, if you lose my trust, the thought of recovering that trust is unthinkable. My inability to trust, I think, goes hand-in-hand with my inability to forgive. Because if there’s a need for me to forgive someone, it means some sort of trust has been broken, no? Some sort of betrayal, maybe insignificant, maybe not. Whatever the case, something was lost. And for someone to gain that back, I would say, its near impossible, at this moment in time.

I want to change that though. What could a person do so inexplicably wrong that their trust cannot be regained? If anything, we murder God on a daily basis with our words and our actions, and we’re redeemed, we’re saved from damnation of Hell. So compared to that, what individuals do onto us is nothing compared to what we do onto God. Its so much more worse, more than we’d ever know.

So knowing all this (in my head), you would think my heart would naturally follow. But of course not. Oh the folly of humans. Sin. Sin in its greatest disguise. It makes you think you are in control, that you are able to steer yourself away from temptations, and maybe you can in more occasions than not, but then, in the deep darkness, it waits, patiently, for the right opportune to strike and watch you fall aimlessly into sin.

But what next? We get back up with the help of God’s strength and his grace. He brushes us off and tells us we’re renewed again in His image and we are made perfect through Him. We (hopefully) learn from our mistakes and continue to struggle with Christ alongside. This, all I know, but in practice? Well, that’s a different story.

This is definitely my story, where I keep failing over and over again. To the point of exhaustion and frustration. I want to overcome it the next time around. Tomorrow, I say. Tomorrow I’ll forgive them. I’ll trust them. But then sin overtakes me and I’m once again bitter, sad, angry, and everything I shouldn’t be. But fortunately, that’s not where the story ends. The story is continual, where I do fail, but with each failure comes with some form of redemption in my heart. To see my own failure and to recognize the depth of my own sin. All because of Him, an amazing savior that has come for me.

I guess what brought upon this post, is the video below. A beautiful story about redemption and forgiveness, when it seems like all hope is lost. When betrayal strikes, and trust is gone. How do you start up again? How do you forgive? How do you learn to trust once again? When I think about those questions, I come up blank, I honestly don’t know how. Because it’s all through Him, and Him alone.

Just watching the video, and watching forgiveness/trust being redeemed right in front of you is amazing. It reminds us that truly God is here, in the now, and He is redeeming and sanctifying our thoughts, our actions, our worthlessness in all the hours of the day. He doesn’t come at the end to reap the benefits, but is with us through the whole process, beginning to end, in all the gritty and dirtyness of it. It gives me much hope for myself. Because sometimes it hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel, when darkness surrounds you, but alas, it is there, He is there. I’m hopeful that one day I’ll be healed and restored in the likeness of Him.

Even in our worst, He brings out our best.