I havent written in here in awhile and I have much to say as much as been happening lately, but I’m going to focus on one of my struggles for this post.
These past few weeks, I’ve been struggling, where I started feeling that everyday was just a routine, and I was just doing them for the sake of doing them. I would start having this feeling of emptiness where I felt numb to things around me- that my daily life was just a robotic routine that would just start all over again the next day. My first project was really exciting and fun, however, when I started my 2nd project, that excitement was gone. I just didn’t like what I was working on. And it’s my job to make it exciting, however, I didn’t. And it definitely showed in my work. And I just felt in many ways, a failure. Not living up to my professors expectations/approval, my peers approval, and of course even my own. I felt like if I was here, I need to do well. I need to do my best, however, my best could only go so far as I am frequently tired and just not refreshed on a daily basis due to all my other work. I felt like I was failing and even everyday, my emotions would be based on whether my professor liked my work.
But my identity is in Christ. And I know that, and I know I’ve been struggling with this. My approval is from God and from God only.
Today though, I don’t know what it was. But something clicked. The sermon was about living out for our city- pleading for our city. The message doesn’t have really anything to do with anything with something clicking, but I guess just the fact that it was how we can serve our city- that clicked.
I remembered why I was doing this. Why I’m doing architecture. I guess since I started school, somewhere along the way, I became self-absorbed and thought unconsciously that this is all for me. That all my efforts and accomplishments were my own and that’s why I would be so disappointed in myself when things would go poorly. I was thinking that in the end, all of these things I learned would just be for me.
But then I remembered today. That its for God and His Kingdom. That I started doing this because in the end, I want to help others. God always put in my heart to be missional, whether at home or anywhere else, just to be missional. Whether it was small or big. And He reminded me once again to be missional. One of my life goals is to go to 3rd world countries and build hospitals/homes/buildings for those in need. Whether that’s in God’s plan or not, I’m not sure. But I know He will use what I learn somehow to help those in need, whether its here or overseas, in some way or another. And He reminded me that this isn’t for myself, that’s not at all what this is about. That in itself, actually lifts a huge burden off of me. Because knowing that this is for others and for God and about furthering His Kingdom- gives me strength and strength to go on. Especially since I’ve been feeling just so drained lately. Knowing that what I will learn will somehow help others gives me a reason to go on and do my best.
I’ve been realizing just how incompetent I am and just how lacking I am. Academically, emotionally, spiritually. But through these struggles, I can see God working in me, little by little, breaking me down, and I am thankful for that. For His continual guidance in my life, even when I am so unaware of and so oblivious to it. It’s amazing to know that His work is being done all the time. Praise God! I also thank Him for bringing me back to Him. I’ve strayed for a bit, but one bible study (sept 27 2013) reminded me just how much I do need Him. How my fast paced life does need some time to just slow down and just be reminded of His glory and His greatness. Everytime I think about maybe not going to church or bible study, I think of that moment, I think of that moment I felt when I was just praising Him and singing out songs of worship and how I felt. I felt such a sense of peace and such warmth. And just the sermon from the past few weeks ago about Sarah’s laughter of doubt that changed into laughter of joy just hit me so emotionally and pulled my heart strings. Although that story is for another day :]
I know that just because I have reminded of this, it doesn’t mean there will be drastic changes. I know that I will continually struggle with this and I know I will have days where I’ll go back to my old ways, but I’m hoping that this will be a small step to for greater days to come. So please keep me in your prayers that I won’t forget my mission and that this is all for His glory and for His kingdom.
Praise Him for all that He’s doing in my life. :]