Another year has passed since I’ve written in here.
After today’s sermon, I wanted to write in here just some thoughts I have been having over past few months/years and just even from just today.
This weekend was the mission conference at Renewal, and of course, today I didn’t want to get up for church – due to sleeping at 4am and being very tired. (Thankful to my friend who picks me up from time to time and keeps me accountable through that method, and thus today was one of those days). But every. single. time. I feel like…man I don’t want to go, that’s when God is like…let’s remind her again why she’s here. He always does this to me, so I’ve begun, slowly, but surely that I should go when I don’t want to go. But of course, I do forget, and my tiredness prevails and I don’t go. Also, couldn’t make it out to Friday’s part of the conference which now I’m like…bleh, I should have tried to make it..but I didn’t even try.
I think ever since I was young, God has put in me the desire to do missions. I don’t know exactly when it started but I remember my main motivation to become a doctor..was to help people overseas. To my mind at that time, the one way I could help people was to become a doctor, and it helped that I ended up loving Biology in high school, but ultimately that changed in college.
And today, I was just reminded of that calling that God has put in me. I remember it, but then I ignore it. I want to ignore it, I want to just live out this “american dream” -whatever that is.
Micheal Oh, the speaker for this year’s conference- who has a family of 5 kids, have been a missionary in Japan for 14 years. He reminded me with his powerful words that, first, I have been using the term “missional” incorrectly. I would say that I am being “missional” here right where I am, but actually that’s not what I am doing. I’m being an evangelist here and saying that I am “missional” is actually undermining what missionaries are actually doing.
Also, the fact of this “american dream”. Is it really all to this life is to …go to a good college, make money, be comfortable, so that our kids can go to a good college, make money, be comfortable, so that their kids can go to a good college, make money, be comfortable…and so on. He said if that’s what life is all about, Christ wouldn’t have come down and died for our sins. Why would he?
And yeah, is all there is to this life about making money and being comfortable?
Don’t get me wrong, I do want those things, which is probably a good reason why I ignore His calling for me or make excuses.
But even this past summer, when I was working at this great firm. It really is a great firm, but I just realized how a bit pointless everything is. The only people that can really hire architects is the top 1% and I am just helping the rich get richer. But that’s exactly what I don’t want to do. When I started this whole design career, I was so inspired by MASS design and what they do and ultimately that’s what I want to be doing–building for the 99%. I still have the heart to go overseas and build hospitals/schools/churches in areas that have no such means. But I do know that before I can reach that point, I will have to obviously learn the trade and work at places that I don’t want to work at, and who knows, maybe I can lead that firm to doing more pro bono work? Maybe I can even make a small difference there…maybe.
I think one thing that also struck a chord with me from today and that is one of my biggest reasons why I think I give myself excuses …are my parents. One thing Micheal said was that when he told his father that he is going to become a missionary, his father flat out said no. That’s the thing, I know the answer will be no (eh, I guess not 100%), but also, in the end, I want to be close to them (physically and emotionally), but also I want to give them what they need/deserve/want. Be that daughter that lavishes them and take them on vacations and buy them things that they’ve always wanted to have but never could buy it themselves. And being an only child does give it a bit of more burden. Micheal said the same thing that he wanted to send them checks, and be with them with their grandkids growing up near them, etc. I wanted to ask him after how he got past that? Because we are supposed to honor our parents, but how can we do that by being so far or not even being able to help them out in times of need? I don’t know, that’s a struggle for me personally, I think I’ve had my entire life, whether it was also for selfish reasons, but also for reasons like this.
I think the time will come when maybe I will have to make a decision, or maybe the doors will be set just right and will open up (like in Grace Chung’s case). Whatever the case, I leave my life in Your hands Lord. There’s a reason why I’m here and maybe someday I’ll know it, and maybe I’ll never know, but I’m here and all that matters is that You are here with me too.
Thank you Lord for giving me this heart, giving me these reminders, and whatever may happen, let Your will be done.